How to Talk to Teenagers

I try not to cringe outwardly as I see it again for the third time today--another adult failing to communicate with teenagers.

I've been writing this blog in my head now for about three years, right about the time I switched from teaching freshman English at the college level to teaching junior high and high school English.

What I'm trying to say is that I wish more adults knew how to talk to teenagers--their own sons and daughters and others' sons and daughters.

I love talking to teenagers, and it really is not that difficult or complicated. But it does require empathy. Empathy is sort of a dying art in our world. We can feel sympathetic towards others rather easily: we can even weep for the hurts of strangers (the Boston tragedy, school shootings, etc.), but to empathize with someone's particular set of circumstances requires validation, compassion, and true understanding--you have to see and know more than what is presented.

First, shut up and listen. Yes, I said stop lecturing (they are not listening to it; they are thinking of a million rebuttals to the arguments in your lecture) and let them do the talking. Ask them why they did such and such in a sincere tone and then shut your lips and hear them out. Sometimes, teenagers have no idea why they did such and such until you give them a chance to self-analyze. Did you know why you thought it would be a good idea to sneak out after curfew when you were a teenager?

That leads me to my second tip: remember your own teenage years. That's right--relive those awful haircuts, that insane sense of personal style, those awkward social situations, and debilitating fears. Being a teenager is incredibly difficult, as you might recall, and trying to be a GOOD teenager is even more so. To help you out, here's what I remember about being 13-19:

1) Everything was a big deal for at least 24 hours. So I appreciated adults who realized how invested I was in any particular event.

2) Insecurity reigns. Do I or do I not? Am I pretty or not? Am I good enough or not? Is this where I want my life to go or not? Do my parents give a rip about me or not?

3) Adults who spent time with me made a positive impact on me and helped guide me to success.

Next, don't talk to teenagers unless you have spent or intend to spend quality time with them. Remember when you were sixteen and an adult you barely knew (not your boss) ordered you around as if you were a little kid? I remember thinking, "Who are you to talk down to me?" Of course, everyone talked down to me because I am so short, but that is beside the point. The point is that teenagers will listen to people who invest in them.

 Go to their sports games, attend their school functions, SHOW UP for PTA conferences even if teachers don't request meetings, read what they read, take them to lunch, go bowling with them after prom, take them to a college game, watch movies with them late at night, volunteer at practices, take them to church with you. Basically, spend your valuable time WITH THEM!

Teenagers will listen to what you have to say because you have built a pattern of showing them YOU CARE. Nothing says, " I care about you" like lavishing our most precious commodity--that element you can never get back or relive--on them.

Finally, when talking to teenagers, pretend that they are adults. Forget what stupid remark they just made or that ridiculous stunt they just pulled, and pretend that he or she is a professional before whom you must keep your composure. After all, you ARE the adult in the situation. I have often wondered how parents can speak civilly to other adults in unbelievably intense situations but will not extend the same courtesy when speaking to their own children. I cannot tell you the number of times a teenager has lamented to me, "I wish my mom/dad and I could just have an adult conversation for once." How sad.

Teenagers are adults waiting to bloom. If your words and actions pour grace and guidance on their roots, they will flourish despite overwhelming circumstances.

I know, because a few adults extended such grace and guidance to me.

And here I am, an adult--sort of. :)

--Bekah