How to Fail Your Students/Children

This is going to be quick: the best way to ensure a child fails once he is on his own is to protect him from experiencing the consequences of failure while he is at home.

That's it!

When parents badger a teacher for extra credit to "bring up a failing grade" they are teaching little Sophie that there is always a way to weasel out of suffering the consequences for poor decisions.

Some purport that giving these extra credit opportunities to make up for failing grades will encourage students to do a better job "next time" but the reality remains that students learn to be lazy and creative excuse-makers.

"Well, I couldn't focus because my family had a reunion this weekend."

"Basketball practice went really late last night so I didn't have time to do a good job on the paper."

"I have really bad allergies and since I took my medicine early last night, I couldn't concentrate on studying for the quiz."

And on and on it goes.

We are not teaching our students to overcome obstacles and work hard even though the environment is not ideal. Instead, we are teaching students to come up with reasons why they could not do their best. We validate their excuses when we remove the consequences for failure. Removing consequences comes in many ways, some subtle and some obvious. Changing a grade. Offering a 15 point bonus question that a zombie could answer. Letting students redo a paper.

Naturally, there are some times when redoing a paper or changing a grade is necessary; I'm not addressing those situations where the teacher was unclear in her expectations, the whole class misunderstands a quiz or test question, etc. I am addressing the student who legitimately fails an assignment and is allowed to redo or make up for the poor grade.

An extra credit assignment once a quarter is a good idea and can encourage the struggling student with a grade boost near report card time, but students who realize that they can always get a "second chance"will never reach their full potential.

Is it any wonder high school graduates struggle to cope with college life? They are overwhelmed by consequence after consequence of their decisions: college professors who don't give a rip if they failed the test, the roommate who tosses their dirty laundry pile in the hall, the credit card debt--the list continues.

As horrible as it feels, let your son or daughter accept his/her low grade. Maybe it bumps them off the A/B Honor Roll. Maybe it will save them from a teenage pregnancy.

If you think I'm exaggerating, just take a quick look at the youth of America and how they are coping with life.

--Bekah

Priorities in Parenting

Some of you are teaching parents. What I mean is, you have children now, and you still teach outside of the home. I had to clarify because all parents are teachers whether they consider themselves to be or not. My mom and dad taught me many lessons about life without meaning to; I am sure they would rather not have taught me some of the subliminal lessons I learned from observing their marriage firsthand.

You see, unfortunately, my parents separated and later divorced when I was sixteen years old. One of the lessons they taught me, true or not, is that their love was not worth the effort to stay married. However it pains me to share their lack of commitment, I must say that their fractured relationship is simply modern America’s norm for marriages. We do not expect young couples to stay together: sooner or later, something will come up that is simply irreconcilable and they will part ways, along with their assets and spheres. Children of said marriages become pawns, abandoned, and confused.

Here’s where you and I come in. We are married and we have children (I have one adorable baby girl) and we work at a high-demand job. Our work doesn’t end at the 3 o’clock bell. We have emails to write, lessons to plan, papers and quizzes and tests to grade, and lessons to evaluate (how did that concept go over with the kids?). We are constantly thinking about our precious students on the drive home, sighing in disgust as we grade their papers, or squealing with delight when we tell our spouses how they “got it.” (Ok, I squeal: maybe you don’t.) The point is, if we are not careful, we may teach our children that Mommy’s work outside the home is not as important as family life.

May I encourage you to commit to your spouse first? Even more important than spending quality time with our babies is the necessity of keeping the home fires burning. Make date night a priority. Put baby in the nursery when you go to church or formal functions so you can focus on each other. Schedule times of reprieve with your mate because if you don’t, the weeks will stack up. My husband and I have recently rediscovered the simple pleasure of taking a walk through the neighborhood. The fresh air helps us have fresh conversation. If you make your marriage priority number one, you will teach your children that the vows that you made to each other before they were born really mean something. You will teach them to consider the vows that they will make as grown children to be binding and worth investing in.

Finally, when you have the choice between playing with your kids and doing some prep work, play with your kids. While spouses and children will be understanding (I hope) at the end of a quarter/semester/year, they should not always expect to take the back seat to your job. Either you will stay up late after the munchkins have gone to bed, or you will reorganize the efficiency your time at school, or both.

Intentionally teach your babies (or your future babies!) the most important lessons about mommies and daddies: they need time together, they truly care about each other, and their love is worth hard work and personal sacrifices.

I could go on but my husband just woke up for the first time on this Saturday morning and I believe I hear my little girl waking up for the second time. Time to play!

Bekah  

Defenseless Criticism

Readers, I hope you will forgive the absence of material on this blog. The end of the school year, the passing of my dear grandmother, and the hilarious antics of my sweet baby have all prevented me from actually sitting down to type up my thoughts. I have, however, been writing several blogs in my head over the past few weeks, so here comes the deluge!

Have you ever felt the sweet relief that comes from a good rant? Maybe you have the enormous blessing of a patient spouse like I do. He calmly endures my boisterous ravings, interjects helpful sympathetic murmurs, and still believes I’m a genuinely nice person once I’ve exhausted my wrath with sometimes vicious and often stuttering rhetoric.

Ranting, to a completely disinterested party in private conversation, can actually be a healthy way to deal with stress. Unfortunately, in this age of technology, public ranting is now officially in vogue. Don’t get me wrong: I love a good political call to action or a preacher’s fearless denunciation of evil, but hiding behind the podium of a keyboard presents certain problems.

People are much braver on the computer than they are face-to-face. That is the truth. If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of an angry parent email then you know what I am talking about. Friends, we will type words we would never say out loud because we do not have to watch our bitter words destroy the person in front of us. We don’t have to see the physical tears or hurt or frustration flooding to our listeners’ faces as we pour out our angry vitriol. Best of all, the listener is defenseless. He cannot immediately retaliate while we are speaking, so we can blissfully finish our rant uninterrupted and uncontested.

So, fellow educator, what should we do when we are electronically ranted against? The urge to retaliate in like manner is almost impossible to deny. If you love words like I do, a sarcastic and defensive reply leaps unbidden to the front of your mind. You didn’t even have to think hard about your wording—it came without the need of a muse. So write it out. Fill that email with the ardor of your hurt and misunderstood heart. Then, take a deep breath and press “delete.”

A wise person once told me that in every piece of criticism, there is a nugget of truth. Some sliver of the accusation rings true because perception is reality. Of course, this does not mean we should kowtow to every parent, coworker, or even boss who criticizes us. It means that we have been given a gift: the gift of opportunity. Here is an opportunity for me to spend moments in self-reflection. Is there a mannerism or habit I have that helped this person believe (you fill in the blank) _______ about me?  What part of this rant about me is actually true or founded in truth? I wonder how they arrived at this conclusion? Again, we are not going to question everything we have ever done around this person, but we are going to take a closer look.

Criticism will come. If we ignore it, we are doomed to repeat the same actions that cause negative reactions; plus, ignoring all criticism eventually leads to refusing to change. Refusing change is very closely related to resisting improvement, and resisting improvement results in an ineffective teacher. Effective teachers learn and adjust to their students while ineffective teachers stick to their guns and stubbornly try to force students into an ill-fitting mold.

Don’t be that teacher. Embrace criticism and use it as a tool to improve yourself as a person. Spit out the lies and nasty insinuations and do not deign to lower yourself to retaliation.

Summer break is upon us, comrades! Enjoy the fruit of your labors and release the negative comments you’ve had to patiently swallow all school year long. Forgive the foolish, and resolve to be an even more amazing teacher in the fall. That is my plan—that, and soaking up some sun J

-Bekah 

ARRGHHH!!!

I hate being disappointed.

Disappointed plans are probably what tick me off the most, and I have a really hard time redirecting my attitude when life doesn't follow the carefully constructed plan I charted.

Why don't things always go the way I have imagined?

I could wax eloquent right now about how I may have been late for this or that because God was protecting me from a car accident, blah, blah, blah. But I am not going to do that.

Instead, I am going to be thankful for the constant hope I experience for my plans to come to fruition. Anticipation and expectancy involve a certain amount of risk: I risk that my plans will be disappointed. But the alternative--expecting and anticipating nothing--seems unendurable.

Perhaps, as C. S. Lewis writes in Mere Christianity, humans are designed to hope. If I close myself off by not hoping for anything because I am trying to protect myself from disappointment, I am a miserable fool.

Therefore, I will dust off my disappointment and make plans for tomorrow that will probably not live up to my expectations: get all of my housework caught up from the busy week, get the front yard looking presentable, bake some cookies, make an appearance at the Dogwood Festival, study for my lessons next week, and read for enjoyment.

Yeah, that's not all going to happen.

But my ideal Saturday would end up that way, and I am not going to stop making plans just because I want to ward off disappointment.

I will work on having more realistic expectations, though. :)

--Bekah

Why Are You on the Team?

Have you ever stopped to ask why you are involved in something?

There are many reasons why we do things as adults. Obligation, need, a sense of worth, meaning, fulfillment-just to name a few. What we might fail to do is check our motivation for doing what we do. Of course, I'm not suggesting we quit our jobs because they don't "fulfill" us, etc. What I am suggesting is that we be more intentional in our daily actions.

Excuse me as I use another sports analogy. I like sports so it works for me. Why does a young man join a sports team? He wants to belong. He wants to wear the jersey and be recognized as a member of the team (whatever sport it is). There is nothing inherently wrong with joining a team in order to belong; however, if one joins a team merely to gain notoriety, I have trouble respecting him.

Why?

Because being a member of a team means I care more about my team than myself. It means that I work hard so I don't let my team down when I'm on the court or field. I put my team's needs above my own. When I join a team in order to belong, the irony is that I will only truly belong if I contribute to the team's success--if I help win ball games. Nobody on the team has patience for the stooge who goofs around during practice-who doesn't try to hone his skills and correct his mistakes--and then demands to be put on the starting lineup!

So it is in many areas of our lives: we join churches because we want to belong, but then we sit on the sidelines and criticize the leadership instead of contributing to the success of the team. We complain about the problems at work but do not figure out ways to be a part of the solution. We whine about our spouses instead of finding creative ways to help them achieve their potential.

I need to ask myself: why am I on the team? Do I want to help win ball games? Or am I content to wear the jersey and look the part of a player while failing to do my part for my teammates?

Why did I join this church? Do I want to help serve my brothers and sisters in Christ? Or am I content to warm a seat in the pew and refuse to get involved because I don't feel qualified to help?

Why do I work here? Do I want to contribute to the overall success of this business? Or would I rather be miserable because it's not my job to improve this or that area?

Why do I go to school? Do I want to learn and improve my understanding? Or am I content to slide by with mediocre to failing grades because I don't feel like working? (Students, your family is your team, and you are letting your team down when you don't overcome the obstacle of motivation in your personal education.)

Why did I get married? Do I want to encourage my spouse so our union can be stronger? Or would I rather find fault and point my finger without trying to help my spouse become a better person simply because I am in his life?

Why am I on the team?

I want to win, that's why. I hope you do, too.

--Bekah

How to Talk to Teenagers

I try not to cringe outwardly as I see it again for the third time today--another adult failing to communicate with teenagers.

I've been writing this blog in my head now for about three years, right about the time I switched from teaching freshman English at the college level to teaching junior high and high school English.

What I'm trying to say is that I wish more adults knew how to talk to teenagers--their own sons and daughters and others' sons and daughters.

I love talking to teenagers, and it really is not that difficult or complicated. But it does require empathy. Empathy is sort of a dying art in our world. We can feel sympathetic towards others rather easily: we can even weep for the hurts of strangers (the Boston tragedy, school shootings, etc.), but to empathize with someone's particular set of circumstances requires validation, compassion, and true understanding--you have to see and know more than what is presented.

First, shut up and listen. Yes, I said stop lecturing (they are not listening to it; they are thinking of a million rebuttals to the arguments in your lecture) and let them do the talking. Ask them why they did such and such in a sincere tone and then shut your lips and hear them out. Sometimes, teenagers have no idea why they did such and such until you give them a chance to self-analyze. Did you know why you thought it would be a good idea to sneak out after curfew when you were a teenager?

That leads me to my second tip: remember your own teenage years. That's right--relive those awful haircuts, that insane sense of personal style, those awkward social situations, and debilitating fears. Being a teenager is incredibly difficult, as you might recall, and trying to be a GOOD teenager is even more so. To help you out, here's what I remember about being 13-19:

1) Everything was a big deal for at least 24 hours. So I appreciated adults who realized how invested I was in any particular event.

2) Insecurity reigns. Do I or do I not? Am I pretty or not? Am I good enough or not? Is this where I want my life to go or not? Do my parents give a rip about me or not?

3) Adults who spent time with me made a positive impact on me and helped guide me to success.

Next, don't talk to teenagers unless you have spent or intend to spend quality time with them. Remember when you were sixteen and an adult you barely knew (not your boss) ordered you around as if you were a little kid? I remember thinking, "Who are you to talk down to me?" Of course, everyone talked down to me because I am so short, but that is beside the point. The point is that teenagers will listen to people who invest in them.

 Go to their sports games, attend their school functions, SHOW UP for PTA conferences even if teachers don't request meetings, read what they read, take them to lunch, go bowling with them after prom, take them to a college game, watch movies with them late at night, volunteer at practices, take them to church with you. Basically, spend your valuable time WITH THEM!

Teenagers will listen to what you have to say because you have built a pattern of showing them YOU CARE. Nothing says, " I care about you" like lavishing our most precious commodity--that element you can never get back or relive--on them.

Finally, when talking to teenagers, pretend that they are adults. Forget what stupid remark they just made or that ridiculous stunt they just pulled, and pretend that he or she is a professional before whom you must keep your composure. After all, you ARE the adult in the situation. I have often wondered how parents can speak civilly to other adults in unbelievably intense situations but will not extend the same courtesy when speaking to their own children. I cannot tell you the number of times a teenager has lamented to me, "I wish my mom/dad and I could just have an adult conversation for once." How sad.

Teenagers are adults waiting to bloom. If your words and actions pour grace and guidance on their roots, they will flourish despite overwhelming circumstances.

I know, because a few adults extended such grace and guidance to me.

And here I am, an adult--sort of. :)

--Bekah

March Madness: Avoiding Fundamental Mistakes

March Madness

Although I really do not consider myself a basketball fan, I am not immune to the excitement and enthusiasm that hits our nation in March and culminates in April with the Final Four competition. Sadly, my Jayhawks lost their Big Eight match, so the games tonight will not really affect me one way or another. But you weren't drawn to this blog because of basketball. You are probably hoping for an encouraging word about the joys of teaching, the challenges of parent/teacher cooperation, or even some inspirational ideas to incorporate into your classroom next week.

Sorry. Basketball is on my mind. Especially since I just witnessed the end of the first game of the Final Four. I felt sure Wichita State, after leading the score nearly all game, would surely upset Louisville; however, with 49 seconds to go, the Shockers made some fundamental mistakes that ultimately cost them the game.

Teaching is similar. We can be on our "A" game for the majority of the school year: we started the year bursting with enthusiasm (an 8 point lead!), we encouraged our struggling students through a crucial second quarter (only 4 turnovers in the first half!), we maneuvered through sensitive conferences and remained flexible as policies changed mid-year (Louisville tied the score). Suddenly, we find ourselves in fourth quarter.

Now is not the time to make fundamental mistakes. Now is not the moment to relax and just float through the rest of the school year. Now we have to keep making every lesson interesting. Monday, we have to make sure we connect the known to the unknown for our students. We have to show up on time and be alert to the emotional needs of every kid who walks into our classrooms. We have to care.

Why?

Because we are not playing a game. I am a teacher. I am trying to change the world--improve the world--one child at a time. I cannot change the world if I cannot influence my students, and I cannot influence my students if I am not intentionally trying to speak into their lives.

So, come Monday morning, I am going to figure out a way to connect a senior research paper to baseball because I have a baseball player who could care less about his paper but loves America's favorite pastime. I'm going to inject humor into a 10th grade test review about subject-verb agreement. (Nouns and verbs can't be arguing like an on-again, off-again teenage romance! They've got thoughts to communicate!) And I'm going to find a minute to let my ever-silent student know I saw her pictures over the weekend and thought they were beautiful.

Don't let fundamental mistakes steal your victorious school year. I know you're tired. Spring Break ends this week and nobody wants to face that classroom on Monday.

Just as Big Four games aren't won without years of preparation and conditioning, lives aren't changed overnight. We have been given a great opportunity to influence children although we will not see the results of our hard work right away.

We will change the world if we do not fail in the fundamentals.

We will gain the harvest when the time is ripe, if we do not faint.

--Bekah